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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 5, 2016 9:17am-9:50am PDT

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mccaptioning services. comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! welcome to "the nightly show." thank you so much. what a great crowd. i'm your host, larry wilmore. so nice to be here. just before i start, a shut-out to my friend, dee dee and allen. let's get right to our coverage of yesterday's big indiana primary.
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that's right, it's time to see what's happening with the unblackening. there was one-- wooo! thank you. i appreciate that. some people appreciate the unblackening. i don't know if we should appreciate that. trump pretty much wrapped up the republican nomination last night, you guys. it's true. and the gravitas of the situation was perfectly captured by america's leading political news team. so take it away, diamond and silk. >> he won indiana! he won indiana! >> trump just won indiana. >> boom. >> give me a "t"! >> you got that "t"! you got that "t"! >> give me a "r"! >> you got that "r"! you got that "r"!" >> give me a u. >> you got that "u," you got that "u" >> larry: give me a vomit bucket. when trump saw this, he said,
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indiana was a state ted cruz had to win. so after trump's victory, cruz was forced to do some soul searching. or, more accurately, cruz had to do some searching in the vast empty space where a soul should be. and that, of course, is when ted cruz called it quits. >> we are suspending our campaign. together, we left it all on the field in indiana. >> larry: now, of course, "the field" is what ted cruz refers to as a basketball court. ( laughter ) during his speech last night, ted cruz delivered a heartfelt message to carly fiorina. >> to carly fiorina, who has been an incredible, phenomenal running mate. >> larry: yes, she was a phenomenal running mate, for the entire 144 hours and 32 minutes she was on the ticket. she could have left her car running. it's ridiculous. here now to give us his perspective on what went wrong with the campaign, is cruz-fiorina strategist, chad estrada.
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( cheers and applause ) hey, chad. >> thanks for having me. it's a sad, sad day lawrence, >> larry: i'm sure it is. so immediately after carly fiorina was put on the ticket, ted cruz went on to have his worst week of the campaign, culminating in his dropping out of the race. you tell me, what went wrong? >> i have no idea! we drew up a kick-ass strategy, which carly followed to a tee and, boom, nothing. the whole goddamn thing ( bleep ), thing ( bleep ), the bed. poop everywhere. >> larry: wait, this past week went exactly as planned? >> hell, yeah. here's what we told that lyin' ted. >> larry: wait, the cruz campaign calls him "lyin' ted," as well? >> oh, god, yeah. that guy's a sociopath. we call him lyin' ted. anywho, here's what i told him. let's pick a running mate for a failing campaign from a campaign that's already failed. right? makes sense.
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>> larry: that doesn't sound smart... >> second part of my plan, make carly's first public appearance as awkward as possible. ♪ i know two girls that i just adore ♪ i'm so happy i can see them more ♪ >> ooooh! she's killing it! play that back. play that back. >> larry: no, don't play it back. i don't think that's the definition of killing it. it seems like you're making horrible choices. >> you say horrible. we say genius. like this move i came up with. ( laughter ) >> larry: you told her to fall off the stage? that's a terrible thing to do! >> yes, i did. we're going for that jennifer lawrence thing, where you fall and you get more popular. everybody thinks you're cute. >> larry: first of all, that was, like, three years ago. no one remembers that. >> everybody rememberthat.
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>> larry: second of all, it's a terrible idea. do you have any experience doing this? >> larry, i've been doing this for years! who do you think told mccain to pick palin? really? >> they're still talking about that. i'm a legend, okay. >> larry: i think for the wrong reasons though. okay, i understand why this happened. >> i gotta go, larry. the sanders campaign needs some me. and i think he needs to play up his age a little bit. >> larry: okay, good luck with that. chad estrada, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) so last night, a couple of cruz's reprehensible traits were on display. look at the hug cruz gave his wife. ( laughter ) damn, ted cruz! i mean, we know-- you know your war on women is supposed to be a metaphor, right?
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now, everybody's been replaying this elbow moment since it happened, but, guys, what you may not have noticed is the look of horror on heidi's face when ted, like, leaned in to kiss her. >> to my amazing wife, heidi. ( slow motion ) to my amazing wife, heidi. >> larry: she looks like, "hold on. i agreed to marry you. i didn't say anything about kissing." heidi cruz also endured a not-so-subtle coughing fit. >> growing up in a working class family, our american freedoms were not lost. i love you, mom ( coughing ) >> larry: it seems like heidi's allergic to her husband. in fact, this is true, this is true, we actually uncovered some audio for that >> growing up in a working class
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family. >> help me. >> our american freedoms were not lost. >> stranger danger. i love you, mom. >> zodiac killer. ( laughter ) >> larry: but for those who are-- i think she said zodiac killer. i'm pretty sure. but for those who are surprised by this family values candidate's mistreatment of his family, here are some recaps depicting ted cruz's relationship with his daughters. this is not made up. >> i wanted to get a hug from caroline, and caroline did like she usually does. she runs away. if my daughter ca-- catherine, the 5-year-old, says something that she knows to be false, she gets a spanking. in my household, when a child behaves that way, they get a spanking. >> larry: jesus. i now wish ted cruz had won, if only so his daughters could get some secret service protection. in the wake of this loss in indiana, our hearts go out to the cruz family, who now, tragically, have to spend
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actual time with their father. ( laughter ) but i have to say, i will miss ted cruz, you guys, not so much for who he was, but for who he looked like. i mean, on a given day, he could look like grandpa munster. next day, he looks like kevin from "the office." then the next day, it's that lady from maury who was trying to find out who the daddy was. right, right? another day, he looks like that guy in the background of the death star in "return of the jedi." and then on another day, you could swear he was a blobfish. but on most days, he just looked like himself, the zodiac killer. we're going to miss you, senator cruz. oh, and that kasich guy dropped out, too. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ♪ ding! hot pockets! ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. so donald trump is the presumptive republican nominee, and lots of people are wondering if anything or anyone can stop him. to help us wrap our brains around things we can't comprehend, it's time for another dash of "black magic." ♪ ♪ now, in the past, when we've done this segment, there's been a lot of-- how shall i say-- black-reacting. that's when black people see magic tricks and lose their minds. you've heard of this. it's even happened to david
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blaine. let's show that clip. >> open it, open it. >> larry: that's black-reacting. so tonight, i'm not going to do the trick. and you're in for a treat. please welcome a very special guest, world-class sleight-of-hand artist, eric jones! >> hi, larry! >> larry: so, now, we still have our contributors here, who, i won't lie, have black-reacted in the past. but i'm going to stand here and prove you don't have to black-react. and rory's here, too. okay, so, eric, the only candidate left in the race is trump, who needs only 190 delegates to clinch the nomination. so are there any tricks up the republicans' sleeves to keep trump off the ticket? >> well, larry, first, you have to understand the phenomena of trump. as a republican candidate, he just hasn't been on anyone's radar. it's almost as if, almost as if,
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he appeared out of nowhere! >> all right! okay! i'm okay! i'm okay! >> larry: okay! okay! okay! that's impressive. i don't know how you did that. see? i'm not black-reacting. i'm highly rational right now because i believe in science. we're not all scared of the devil. contributors, how are we doing? >> he's the devil. >> larry: he's not the devil. >> yes, he is! >> larry: he's not the devil. okay, so, eric, let's get back to trump. is there any chance? is there hope? and once again, i am not going to black-react. so show it. >> he does have a majority of the delegation. here's the interesting thing-- >> larry: so the delegates everyone thought would go to one candidate end up going to trump. >> right. the other candidates tried this and they tried that. they tried being sane, they tried-- >> okay! >>un, they tried being combative. they even tried being religious.
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but no matter what, he kept on winning. and all of the delegates ended up-- ( screaming ) >> larry: aw, hell, naw! hold me back! >> be cool, man. be cool! >> i -- i am cool. >> larry: get back here! i didn't black-react. even if i wanted to black-react i wouldn't! i'm just weirded out that trump might actually be the nominee. >> larry: eric, back to trump. with everyone else out of the race, all the republicans can do is unveil a big surprise at the convention. ghost of ronald reagan? >> no, reagan's spirit is too fragile for the grueling pace of a last-minute campaign. >> larry: i agree. what about paul ryan?
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now he could swoop in and get a massive amount of delegates, right? >> he could do that, but if they think they're being manipulated by the party, the big surprise happens-- >> he's the devil! he's the devil! >> give it up for eric jones, everybody. even though he's the devil! life looks great with tampax pearl
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>> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor ricky velez. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor franchesca ramsey. ( cheers and applause ) and she stars in the show "suits," which returns to usa this summer, and she's the global ambassador for world
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vision. actress meghan markle. and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. okay, so i wanted to show you guys, this is the cover of "the daly news today." i personally disagree with this. this would have been true like a month ago. i think it should be a baby elephant coming out of its mama with trump hair. or it could look like this: so today, john kasich dropped out. cruz dropped out last night. i didn't think the zodiac killer would last this long. but that all makes yesterday different than today, because we are now in a trump reality. there's no more denial. we are in acceptance mode. my question is how is this trump train going to be stopped? >> oh, my god, i need all hands on deck. everyone-- america, you need to get your ( bleep ) together! break the glass! amber alert!
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everyone go down to the basement! i mean, like, i am freaking out. i am really, really scared. and i don't know how we're going to stop this, but we need to start think ago. >> i thought it up. i know how to stop it. we just have to make the doorknobs at the white house too big so his little hands can't open it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) little trump hand not being able to get inside the white house. >> larry: try to take the oval office and he can't. >> it's really the moment that i go, we film in toronto and i might just stay in canada. if that is a reality we're talking about, that is a game changer in how we move in the word. >> not all of us have shows that film. i film in new york! >> i was saying he better build that wall to keep me in. >> oh, man! >> larry: here's the thing. a lot of people thought he was going to fracture the republican party. i think he unites it now because they all hate hillary.
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let's be honest about that. and now all of his arrows are pointed that way. doesn't that unify the republican party? >> i have seen some republicans say they might actually vote for hillary because they don't like him. i think he is very polarizing. and i think a lot of people are, rightfully, scared. i really hope people pull it together because you can't be ambivalent. >> larry: i think john mccain said he wouldn't vote for him, right? do you believe him? >> everybody is -- >> that was like-- >> that's what he said, man. >> that's what he said. but the other part of it, too, is yes, of course, trump is divisive. think about just female voters alone. i think it was in 2012, the republican party lost the female vote by 12 points. that's a huge number. and with as misogynistic as trump in sand so vocal, that's a huge chunk of it. you're not voting for hillary when you're a woman because she's a woman, but you don't upon the world he's participating. >> we just watched a video of
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two women-- that argument doesn't really hold water anymore because people really do ( bleep ) with trump. i don't know why. i don't know what's going on. i just-- i think that's what happens when you eat too much fast food. that's what i think. i think that's what fast food's doing to america. >> larry: yeah. what you said, it doesn't seem to have an effect on so many people. >> isn't it crazy, though? >> larry: i agree with you. >> black women. >> larry: i know,in, i know. >> you would think they would have some common sense. >> larry: so what do you think is the best way-- if hillary is the nominee, it looks like she's going to be the nominee, what's the best way to attack trump? >> she has to attack trump like eminem attacked him in the last scene of "the eight mile." he just goes out there and calls himself trailer park trash and admits everything he's done
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wrong. >> i think hillary need to be super direct with him and say, "explain to me exactly how you're going to take down isis. you know what, actually, explain it to me like i'm a woman, just like i'm dumb." his whole thing is he looks down at women. just go straight for the jugular. explain it to me because i'm so stupid. >> larry: the irony of that. >> telling him to keep it straight is like the biggest ( bleep ) joke i have heard. >> he speaks in generalities. say to him, "actually, explain to me what you're going to do." that's when, i think, he will fall apart because he doesn't actually have a plan. >> larry: do you think hillary needs bernie's support or is it just her against trump? does she need to rally all those people? >> look, i don't think at this point it's necessary. i think at a certain point, yes, it's going to have to happen. do we need to get all hands on deck at this point in hillary is in a really strong position right now. just look at how much she's had in donations for her campaign. i think trump has raised 12, 20
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million. she's raised 200 and something million. >> larry: she lost to bernie last night. >> it was close but she still has so much headway. >> the big concern for me -- >> still, people are still feeling the bern. >> that's thing, is, there's noct wrong with that but i have heard a lot of people say they're not going to vote if hillary gets the nomination and that really scares me. >> larry: even against trump? >> i have seen so many people saying that and it really pisses me off. if you go to a shoe store and they don't have your sure, you don't burn the ( bleep ) store down. some of us would still like to buy a sensible flat. seriously, some people are going to have to suck it up come november. and i just don't want to see people throw their vote away because bernie didn't get the nomination. i think that's stupid. >> that's crazy if you think that it's really going to put people in a position where they
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don't feel mobilized to vote at all. you're right, as well, obviously, bernie has brought so many-- you're right. you win. bernie brought so many, especially young voters, to the table, right. how is that going to parlay itself in terms of hillary? i don't know. >> larry: do you think they will jump over and embrace hillary? >> to jump over to hillary? come on, man, i don't know what's going on with the ( bleep ) no more. i'm so confused. you have trump run ago this is a reality tv star running for president, and we're supposed to be okay about it. like, this is wild. like, i don't whan to do. i really don't. i don't know who i'm voting for. election daysome category-- i might take more drugs than usual that day, man. i might have to sleep through that one you know? >> larry: just like today. >> yeah. >> larry: all right, we'll see what's going to happen. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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tastes better than the beer you drink after someone else mows your lawn. craftsman. when it matters. e.t. phone home. when you find something you love, you can never get enough of it. change the way you experience tv with xfinity x1. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, ricky velez franchesca ramsey, and meghan markle. and thanks to eric jones for being here. ( cheers and applause ) we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named malcolm. let's take a look. >> "hi, larry. if you had to choose between for
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the next four years being bill cosby's lawyer or donald trump's vice president, which one would you choose? keep it 100." >> larry: that's pretty easy. i will be bill cosby's lawyer and i will be the worst lawyer ever. thank you. thank you. thanks for watching. good nightly everyone! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york,
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this is the "the daily show" wih trevor noah! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "the daily show," everybody, i'm trevor noah thank you so much, thank you so much. my guest tonight bethanys coulden tino is joining us, everybody. but first, but first, let's start with the end. >> donald trump delivers a knockout blow in indiana. >> today he wears the party's banner pretump-- shall presump tiff nominee. >> ted cruz sus penned his campaign after losing the indiana primary. >> the party chairman said rhine priebus said on twit thary trump will be the presump tiff nominee and asked republicans to unite around him. >> trevor: that's right, people. take a second and breathe that in. because american politics has just entered a whole new world. just like the one aladdin and in


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